a collection of thoughts……
to become lost…….
a collection of thoughts……
to become lost…….
my life, in pictures
(French Market Beignets)
(my oldest….a super proud moment! his artwork was chosen (among a lot of talented children) and displayed in our cities museum!)
(wax flowers…… one rule in my home, I must always have fresh flowers)
(Homemade marshmallows………a very exiting thing that I have turned into making a living out of, if your interested, please let me know so I can send you the link to my FB)
(red velvet marshmallows)
(lovely heart shaped marshmallows)
(a rose bush I inherited when we bought our home)
(my favorite coffee…….)
(my Lilah and Sparrow taking a Winter nap)
(best friends…… Xzavier and Lilah)
These pictures sum up my life…..baking, fresh flowers, coffee and my beautiful babes…….. life has been so very full, so raw and organic, moments of discovery, moments of over-coming and moments of succeeding.
i feel warmth in the air…….the blooming buds tell me so. the sparrows and bluebirds tell me so with their canticle’s and lullaby’s. the incense of bladed grass, the scent of classical wisteria, the scent of honeyed transudation………tells me so.
goose-bumps feel my arms, feel them with the compassion that this warmth brings. i hear, but more importantly listen to the nature that surrounds me. i dig my hands into the soil, where the sun has lovingly created a tepid febricity. i include my children to acknowledge all that is lovely. all that God has created for us. for us to adore……to savor.
i devote so much attention to my children, to make sure they fully comprehend the beauty that surrounds us. in so many small ways. the un-dotted lady bugs that surround freshly sprouted clovers. the elderly we are so lucky to catch in their lessons of wisdom……showing us how to truly appreciate the thorny rose bush. watching the petite birds very meticulously pay mind to their surroundings as they gather their food. planting our fruits and veggies and excitedly awaiting their arrival, swearing they grow over-night, but also becoming impatient with fingers crossed and wishes made. all of this…….absolutely all of this, is what i want my children to know.
i look forward to so many things with this warmth………
a bowl of vanilla bean-roasted strawberry and rhubarb ice cream. i want to taste this incredibly well, on the most of sunny days.
to protect and nourish my children. watching them grow. savoring the moments.
grabbing a hat and a lightweight blouse on those breezy warm days
on those days where i need to be just me, with only me…..reflecting in Gods country.
surrounding myself with the scent of Heaven
…..following a path to something amazing…….incredible…….
a friend told me recently “you may feel differently, but your marriage is a success. you’ve been married for 10+ years……..that is successful”
i have never looked at it like that. ever. we have fought. we have been hurt. from each other, from others. and we can both agree the hurt that happened was majority from him. we have “thrown” out the idea of maybe not continuing the marriage, definitely more me than him. no longer seeing positive attributes. no longer getting those butterflies in the pit of our stomach. he worked much, much harder at impressing others, bending over backwards for them and i received little if any effort. while i sat back, despised what has become. holding every grudge and remembering every. single. thing that i ever felt slighted by, unable to forgive, harboring every emotion that brought no positivity, so much that i became sick. a few times. lack of trust. lack of truth. more hurt. more anger.
someone telling me that our marriage was a success or considered one, i was a bit amused. at first.
i thought about. truly paid attention to it. i still am. i still do. negativity is one of those poor emotions that we allow to affect, alter, influence us more than positivity, alacrity, eagerness.
he has never laid a hand on me. has not ever threatened to. i have always admired the amount of patience that man contains. but other things have been a bit of a plague.
as i sat and pondered that statement, i realized that there were a few naysayers. those who went as far as to encourage a collapse, a demise even. friends. family. those same naysayers existed before the marriage. they tried then and that had no bearings on us. we loved one another truly and wholly.
it is important to both him and i to set examples for our 4 children. to lead with love. to lead without anger. to lead with respect.
separating from the negativity of others. we live in a world where everyone seems to have at least one divorce under their belt. in an environment where one person gets mad and its ground for separation. for divorce. where “hollywood” appears to have so much say in ones’ relationships. my goal has always been to defy the odds. to show our kids that marriages can and do last. but how sad that defying the odds means not getting a divorce. i do not condone however, certain behaviors from individuals that should definitely result in one leaving, i am not against divorce, i just dont think that divorce should be used so immaturely and just because it is there. because thats how we’ve been led by example, get divorced and remarried a couple of times.
marriage is a guaranteed difficult, laborious, demanding, challenging thing. marriage is also admirable, phenomenal, lovely, pleasing. we signed up for “for better or for worse”. we did. not i. not he. WE. we made the decision to accept one another as we were. we made the decision to raise a family. we made a decision to grow old with one another.
we also remember that we make mistakes. we always will. but we learn form them. we must forgive (i need to forgive). each new day God has blessed us with, should be treated as such. a new day. we need to remind ourselves that marriage is tough and will prove to be so. we also need to relive the good and encourage much more goodness in our lives. we cannot surround ourselves with people who would enjoy nothing more than fail at our marriage, what an abashment. we need to grow stronger as one. we need to support one another. we need to focus on the needs of one another, not those of others, focus on the needs to grow together, to grow in an absolute positive glow. we need to inspire others, our children and each other.
my husband will grab me with dramatic force, only what is seen in the very early black and white movies between 2 passionate lovers…..and whisper to me “…..we will be fine. we will make it….” he whispers it with such certainty and conviction. he kisses my eyelids so gently and softly. he always, i mean always saves the cherry for me from his sundaes. he holds the door open for me, no matter where we go. he calls me while he is at work to tell me he loves me and quickly hangs up, like a young boy and his first crush. he has wiped my tears, numerous times. he faithfully rubbed my feet through every.single.pregnancy. i love the strength of his arms. i love our children that we created together. that we created out of love and nothing could be more pure.
marriage is tough. but it is worth it. realizing, accepting, hope, faith, courage, forgiving and finding those lost butterflies……….
the children laugh and play. they are inspired by fairy tales. she does laundry and the intoxicating scent of lavender fills the air. music is playing in the background. music encouraging thoughts of past and dancing amongst the little one. watching the babes twirl about. one of the littles dreaming up the idea of picnic-ing underneath the summer stars. another making a pretend menu of all that is gloriously coated in chocolate and sprinkles. the oldest babe writing down these soon to be famed stories that only he can conjure. puppet shows are acted in and a steady applause from mom and dad brightens those genuine smiles even more so. she has a baby on her hip and he lovingly lays his head in the warmest part of her neck. cuddled close to her. she smells his hair and the tranquil scent is completely captivating. outside is wonderfully dreary. gray and cold. misty and still. their house is warmth, as usual. the oven contains that of fresh baking bread, with the aroma of sea salt and rosemary. candles flicker in each room and create the most delicate and alluring backdrop against the slate colored sky. fresh flowers in each room, a promise of whats to come, a promise of a garden that will soon flourish. a garden that will provide nourishment for our bodies and soul. i watch him as he teaches our boys a certain knowledge that only a man can and i am thankful. thankful that my boys have someone who teaches them in ways that cannot be told, but rather what they see. i watch my girls as they gently put their aprons on and frequent the question “mama, can i help?” a superb gratification that affects them when they know they help mama bake the infamous raw cocoa muffins that make us beam. when i watch my older girl contain this compassionate nature towards the little one, knowing that she will be the epitome of a mother. the fire is built in our grand brick fireplace and the essence of burning wood is a bit heaven sent. as mama sits down to nurse the little one, all nestled and cozy, it is in these moments that life is awe-inspiring. life is worth it. to be surrounded by tenderness and affection is quite simply lovely.
……..lack there of