i’ve been absent for quite some time…… i’ve been spending days and nights trying to catch my breath, dreaming, memory creating, raising babes, baking……. watching the days and nights run into one another, sweating under the summer sun, counting stars until i run out of numbers, battling to keep my eyes open so i miss nothing, allowing tears to flow…. unashamed, drinking too much coffee, constantly barefoot, making hundreds of crowns out of whatever i can forage, feeling hurt and mad and settling with just that, taking new days as they come, whether they be perfect or lousy…….. life, thats what i’ve been living……….

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live life, live in the perfect, the bad, the poor, the love………accept all of it and grow………. xoxo

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i do not contain the dreams of most, but rather, dreams that belong to me, to my little tribe. i do not dream of a large house, or to bathe in money, nor to be arrogant and turn away from those in need, not to be better than. my dream is to have a modest and cozy home, windows open with the breeze filling my home with all things satisfying. to collect pieces that have stories, that are worn and fading away. to be surrounded by babes who find joy in the simplest of things, that require a whole lot of nothing to be quite simply pleased. to have a man, strong and gentle, by my side loving me for all of me, a man who wants to get lost in books and knowledge, who wants to continue to search my depths because he never tires and his love never exhausts, a man who wants to have a million babes because he adores me as a mama, he adores our children and that is the purest form of love to which we have created together. i dream to have the laziest of weekends spent making wild blueberry pancakes and french chocolate tarts. to nap on a generations old quilt underneath the trees. to make wishes upon the stars. to always explore nature and continuously be in awe of Him. to be surrounded in an aura of kindness and grace and thought too. to breathe in every glorious scent that surrounds me and never forget it. to teach my girls to garden and make fairy wands. to teach them to be secure and compassionate, to always love their beautiful selves. my guy to teach our boys courage and fortitude, tenderness and consideration. to graciously welcome any and all wisdom from those who have truly lived life. to make s’mores every summer evening. to sing and dance and be silly. to love and be loved. to stay up late and laugh. to have piles upon pile of pillows and blankets to invite anyone to stay a little while longer. to serve tea to our guests and encourage more memories. to capture fireflies. to marvel at our blessings. my dreams are made of these………..

i have included some photos that are so inspirational to me, that bring me a bit of simple joy……..

 

heart

http://www.barefootblonde.com/2014/08/baby-newborns/

http://www.diapersandskinnyjeans.com/2013/01/bump-week-23.html

.

http://www.freepeople.com/profile/FPKaci/pics/adventuring/?gallery=true&sortType=recent&filter=all

Fresh air

garden house

http://tarahurst.com/journal/2014/8/13/deep-cove-solitude

Saturday Love

saturday love

.

http://www.mylittlefabric.com/les-pancakes-de-laurent-jeannin/

xoxo

happy mothers day………

she+him…….giving up…..pushing forward

a friend told me recently “you may feel differently, but your marriage is a success. you’ve been married for 10+ years……..that is successful”

i have never looked at it like that. ever. we have fought. we have been hurt. from each other, from others. and we can both agree the hurt that happened was majority from him. we have “thrown” out the idea of maybe not continuing the marriage, definitely more me than him. no longer seeing positive attributes. no longer getting those butterflies in the pit of our stomach. he worked much, much harder at impressing others, bending over backwards for them and i received little if any effort. while i sat back, despised what has become. holding every grudge and remembering every. single. thing that i ever felt slighted by, unable to forgive, harboring every emotion that brought no positivity, so much that i became sick. a few times. lack of trust. lack of truth. more hurt. more anger.

someone telling me that our marriage was a success or considered one, i was a bit amused. at first.

i thought about. truly paid attention to it. i still am. i still do. negativity is one of those poor emotions that we allow to affect, alter, influence us more than positivity, alacrity, eagerness.

he has never laid a hand on me. has not ever threatened to. i have always admired the amount of patience that man contains. but other things have been a bit of a plague.

as i sat and pondered that statement, i realized that there were a few naysayers. those who went as far as to encourage a collapse, a demise even. friends. family. those same naysayers existed before the marriage. they tried then and that had no bearings on us. we loved one another truly and wholly.

it is important to both him and i to set examples for our 4 children. to lead with love. to lead without anger. to lead with respect.

separating from the negativity of others. we live in a world where everyone seems to have at least one divorce under their belt. in an environment where one person gets mad and its ground for separation. for divorce. where “hollywood” appears to have so much say in ones’ relationships. my goal has always been to defy the odds. to show our kids that marriages can and do last. but how sad that defying the odds means not getting a divorce. i do not condone however, certain behaviors from individuals that should definitely result in one leaving, i am not against divorce, i just dont think that divorce should be used so immaturely and just because it is there. because thats how we’ve been led by example, get divorced and remarried a couple of times.

marriage is a guaranteed difficult, laborious, demanding, challenging thing. marriage is also admirable, phenomenal, lovely, pleasing. we signed up for “for better or for worse”. we did. not i. not he. WE. we made the decision to accept one another as we were. we made the decision to raise a family. we made a decision to grow old with one another.

we also remember that we make mistakes. we always will. but we learn form them. we must forgive (i need to forgive). each new day  God has blessed us with, should be treated as such. a new day. we need to remind ourselves that marriage is tough and will prove to be so. we also need to relive the good and encourage much more goodness in our lives. we cannot surround ourselves with people who would enjoy nothing more than fail at our marriage, what an abashment. we need to grow stronger as one. we need to support one another. we need to focus on the needs of one another, not those of others, focus on the needs to grow together, to grow in an absolute positive glow. we need to inspire others, our children and each other.

my husband will grab me with dramatic force, only what is seen in the very early black and white movies between 2 passionate lovers…..and whisper to me “…..we will be fine. we will make it….” he whispers it with such certainty and conviction. he kisses my eyelids so gently and softly. he always, i mean always saves the cherry for me from his sundaes. he holds the door open for me, no matter where we go. he calls me while he is at work to tell me he loves me and quickly hangs up, like a young boy and his first crush. he has wiped my tears, numerous times. he faithfully rubbed my feet through every.single.pregnancy. i love the strength of his arms. i love our children that we created together. that we created out of love and nothing could be more pure.

marriage is tough. but it is worth it. realizing, accepting, hope, faith, courage, forgiving and finding those lost butterflies……….

xoxo

Real love is a choice be together for each other...No one else but each other!

 

……….in our own world…………

the children laugh and play. they are inspired by fairy tales. she does laundry and the intoxicating scent of lavender fills the air. music is playing in the background. music encouraging thoughts of past and dancing amongst the little one. watching the babes twirl about. one of the littles dreaming up the idea of picnic-ing underneath the summer stars. another making a pretend menu of all that is gloriously coated in chocolate and sprinkles. the oldest babe writing down these soon to be famed stories that only he can conjure. puppet shows are acted in and a steady applause from mom and dad brightens those genuine smiles even more so. she has a baby on her hip and he lovingly lays his head in the warmest part of her neck. cuddled close to her. she smells his hair and the tranquil scent is completely captivating. outside is wonderfully dreary. gray and cold. misty and still. their house is warmth, as usual. the oven contains that of fresh baking bread, with the aroma of sea salt and rosemary. candles flicker in each room and create the most delicate and alluring backdrop against the slate colored sky. fresh flowers in each room, a promise of whats to come, a promise of a garden that will soon flourish. a garden that will provide nourishment for our bodies and soul. i watch him as he teaches our boys a certain knowledge that only a man can and i am thankful. thankful that my boys have someone who teaches them in ways that cannot be told, but rather what they see. i watch my girls as they gently put their aprons on and frequent the question “mama, can i help?” a superb gratification that affects them when they know they help mama bake the infamous raw cocoa muffins that make us beam. when i watch my older girl contain this compassionate nature towards the little one, knowing that she will be the epitome of a mother. the fire is built in our grand brick fireplace and the essence of burning wood is a bit heaven sent. as mama sits down to nurse the little one, all nestled and cozy, it is in these moments that life is awe-inspiring. life is worth it. to be surrounded by tenderness and affection is quite simply lovely.

xoxo

w o n d e r

……giving of thanks…..

i thought a lot about tradition and how very much i would love for my family to have some sort of tradition each holiday…….i couldnt think of one, i certainly did not want to force one…….

it hit me…….i think of tradition as being these quirky little things and ideas that “normal” families have…..perhaps writing one thing down each thanksgiving on what we’re thankful for and sharing with one another, maybe gifting a small something to each person, etc.

but, with each holiday that requires an insane amount of cooking, you will find me in the kitchen, probably using profanity under my breath because i have burnt my hand or dropped the entire carton of eggs and broke every.single.one and who wants to go to the store with 4 kids the day before thanksgiving……for eggs?

how about the same people, showing up late for every.single.holiday. i can always count on that.

i can also always count on my oldest praying over our meal and it makes me so proud, nothing rehearsed, nothing forced, au naturel.

i think about all of these things and think that these very things are the start to our traditions. and it is all very much fine with me. its real. its us. and the start of our traditions are focused on us, on my little family.

tomorrow we will enjoy a buttermilk cornbread, infused with thyme and lavender, complete with sage sausage to make a delicate stuffing. accompanied with honeyed butter rolls, served warm with honey infused butter. the infamous bird, the turkey. buttered and spiced with lavender, thyme, marjoram, cloves and peppercorn, with the crispest of skin and juiciest of meat. as our meal lingers, so will our sweets. we shall have double layered spiced pumpkin and mascarpone  cheesecake, spiced with saigon cinnamon, cloves and sweet nutmeg, topped with fresh whipped cream. also a bourbon and dark cocoa bundt will be presented, made with crystallized coffee, tennessee whiskey and raw sugars, topped with a bourbon caramel glaze and sea salt. im currently getting talked into making some capped mushrooms, fried in butter and garlic with a touch of rosemary……probably will……..

i am so thankful for so many things, but what i treasure most in this world are my babes. God blessed me tremendously with these little lovers of mine and i could never imagine a single day without them.

happy thanksgiving……..xoxo

Thoughts Collected :part 2:

a collection of thoughts from my week;

tired

anguish

raw

pure

confection

genuine

absolute

truth

suffer

remorse

forgive

grudges

devotion

familiar

change

cry

 

the older the kids get, the faster life moves. it is times like these that i wish we werent here yet, like maybe sometimes i wish for a do-over. to hold on to memories a bit more, to make more memories than what was made, to not rush things, to let things just “be”.

perhaps this is my chance for a do-over? who says i need to rewind times? there is no perfect time like the present. a lot has been going on for sure, but my main goal is for my babes to know how loved they are, forever and always.

there have been hidden tears, for all reasons. im so tired, so very tired. but i keep going…….and going. because i need to. there is no other choice but to do that, but given another choice would i even accept it? no, probably not.

A trellis of orange blooms, via loveallthingscomfy

http://loveallthingscomfy.tumblr.com/post/25037710794

i love this image and thought it to be a lovely ode to the closing of fall.

wishing you all a simple and lovely thanksgiving

 

No Fancy Camera….Real Life Photos

I enjoy seeing these photos across blogs that depict these images of everything just perfectly perfect. all of the photoshop, the different ways to create a perfect image….well, I dont have that…I dont have those expensive cameras to create a perfect life…I just have a “point & shoot” little camera that I lug with me everywhere to capture “that” moment….you know, the moment you never want to forget? To be completely honest, I have not posted too many pictures of my babes, myself, my hubbs, my home, my garden….anything! Why? because it is nothing like the other photos that I adore so much, I dont have the perfect pose, the perfect anything and I absolutely dont have the time to constantly take “selfies” until I get it just right….the ones I have taken, there is usually a chubby little hand or foot or a dog, or crumbs on the floor and usually a juicebox or sippy cup thrown in. and f.y.i, i am saving to buy one of those cameras, but for now, I dont want to refrain from posting whats real….like this awkwardly double chin that appears on me in photos (i swear it isnt there normally) or when I get a picture just right of my 13 month old but there is a kid in the background being ridiculous, or posting my cupcakes and noticing I didnt quite move the diaper rash cream (why is that on my kitchen counter?) completely out of the way. but this is us….this is me, this is him and this is them….perfectly imperfect…..

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