my first born

i’ve got this guy……he’s pretty important stuff. he has hair as dark as a winters night, his eyes as equally dark…..not a darkness in them, but very kind eyes…..long lashes…..his eyebrows are pure perfection and his smile, well, his smile is warmth and truth. his skintone olive complected, his stature tall, lengthy and his whole being is full of strength. he does handstands…..daily……he has mastered this art and it really is a thing of beauty. he draws and writes amazing stories…….he is an artist fully and completely.

i look at him in awe. he’s mine. he taught me how to love. he taught me importance. he taught me good nature. he teaches me everyday…..goodwill, patience, generosity, humility…..all of these things and he hasnt the slightest idea he does.

my guy is 9……..9 1/2 to be exact. my oldest of 4. he uses manners that are hard to come by these days and it would be a lie if i said i couldnt help but feel proud at the constant applause from those that notice……the elderly who assumed manners are a lost art.

he has energy that one could certainly feel envious of. he is reserved and shy but will talk all day if allowed and fill your mind with knowledge, fill it so full of amazing things, mostly scientific. he is so incredibly smart.

his heart is absolute gold. he is incredibly lovely. a young boy who will become a magnificent young man. and he prays. not just says prayers, but he prays, he has talks with God and says for all to hear, he prays over his food at lunch at school and couldnt care less who hears.

my guy was diagnosed with adhd and dyslexia when he was 7. you think of adhd, you think of someone who simply cannot sit still, someone who is quite mischievous, someone who gets into trouble. not my guy. he was diagnosed on the lowest spectrum of it all. his dyslexia was more of an issue than his adhd.

to be honest…..it was a label i didnt want. i didnt want people to think negatively of my guy and i found myself praising every amazing attribute he displays, that he has within himself, in my own way i was begging people not to judge him. not to judge him for not reading in front of others because he was so damn shy, embarrassed for getting simple words wrong, embarrassed for only spelling his name right if he wrote it backwards.

it caused some complication in school and it didnt help that every teacher and his doctor continuously mentioned the use of medication. i was proud of myself because medication was not the route i wanted to take and i stood by my beliefs…..until a point was made that maybe, just maybe i wasnt making the best decision as a mother, i wasnt allowing him to reach his full potential without the use of meds. i felt crummy, i succumbed to those feelings and thought “oh my God……..i have unintentionally made him suffer because i wont put him on meds. who cares if drug use is an astounding much higher rate when he becomes a teenager. who cares that he may turn to theft, drinking, etc.” i mean, the drug they give these kids is speed……..it is literally speed……to a 9 year old.

people that once stood by my decision to not give him meds were now people telling me it was a chance for him, a chance to write correctly, a chance to not mistake b’s and d’s or m’s and w’s or to write his name…….not backwards.

so i did. we started him on meds.

the. worst. 2. weeks. of. my. life. i cried…….every night. i cried because he explained to me how much he did not like himself. he didnt care if he died. he was dumb. he was stupid. anything and everything he did, was done incorrectly. he didnt like the way he felt.

i told his doctor. she told me to pull him off the meds immediately. i told her i already had. she said it was not uncommon to have characteristics that were not the norm of that person. ridiculous.

i have an insane amount of guilt. insane. my whole initial thought on not giving him meds was because i didnt want him to think i wanted him to be like everyone else, to not be himself. i failed. i failed as a mother when he came to me crying and all i could do was hold him as i was secretly trying to convince myself that we were doing the right thing……we werent……..obviously.

he is who is he. he is a gift. a rare gift. something that God prepared for me and only me. there is absolutely no one in the world exactly like him. he is his own person. i never should have listened to those filling my head with thoughts that i was making a poor choice as a mother. i know best. he is my son, my baby and always will be.

i suppose there is a bit of humor that when it is mentioned about him with adhd to other doctors or parents with children that have more stern patterns of adhd, they all tell me the same “if your son has adhd, then we all do because i dont see it” . but so what if he does. i dont want him to change. i would never want to lose the kindness to his eyes, the quirkiness in his humor, his thoughtful nature, his sincerity, his honesty, his truth, his trustworthiness, and his love for us is ridiculously amazing.

do not second guess yourself as a mother. we normally know whats best for our children. and that means not changing who they are…..not changing who they are because of what society says, what others deem as “normal”

i did not breathe my entire life. not until my guy entered this world. he is my perfection. when i pick him up from school, i smile, i smile because he is mine, he is my son. he is a young man who is turning into something wonderful each day. he is setting an example to the younger 3…….to be loving, to be kind, to be patient, to care, to have a heart of gold, to love. i could simply not ask for anything more. no medication could possibly make him something more, he is something more……..all on his own. thank you God, thank you for this rare gift.

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