november…….losing a baby…….losing a brother

november……well november has proven to be a little shitty for me. i have lost a lot in the month of november, the month of thanks, the month of gratitude…….

2003 at 19, i was pregnant…..young, scared, nervous, new. i was going to be a mom……a mother….i was going to have a little hand to hold, little rosebud lips to kiss, a little chubby body to keep warm and safe. i fancied what this little boy would look like…….i wondered his personality.

it wasnt just another teenage pregnancy……being a mother was a wonderful dream, a wonderful idea, a wonderful concept……but it wasnt my dream. but there i was, 19, pregnant. suddenly, it became my dream…..it had to. i was going to nurture this baby boy with my whole being, after all, he deserves nothing less

my due date was may 15th, 2004. a late spring baby. a great day to have a child.

halloween arrived with a scheduled appointment. my workday ended and i noticed my fear had turned into something beautiful. ahhhh i was going to be a mother…….words of sweetness. i could not wait to see this sweet baby on the monitor once again, moving about. the day was so gloriously dark, with rain pounding the pavement

i was there….lying down hearing the doctor telling me the heart beat of this sweet baby was no longer……….i was hearing her, but i wasnt listening. i laid there, numb, as she was staring at me to make sure i fully understood what she was saying. “there is no heartbeat”. he lived one day…….and didnt the next. i was nurturing a life. i was going to have a son. i already had his name. i turned my fear into something beautiful. i was going to love him with my entire soul. now what? i sat up, walked out and went to my car. that was it…..nobody was there to hug me, nurture me, tell me it was okay…….i sat next to my boyfriend (my husband now) in the car as he was crying and i was just staring at him……’why are you not comforting me’ i thought…….why do you get to cry…….you werent pregnant, you werent protecting a life inside of you, you didnt have the severe morning sickness, ‘what the hell is wrong with you’ i thought.

and then it happened…..my eyes were burning…….my eyes were welling up to the brims…….my cheeks were completely stained with tears……there was a bit of a permanence upon my face. this is what true heart ache feels like. to know the very feeling of being a mother only to be robbed, like a cruel joke was played and taunt you as if to say “just kidding”…..how dare you take him from me…..whoever “you” are. he was mine and i want him back…..and what about all the people who are going to ask about him and the pregnancy……i lost him……he is no longer mine…..that morning i was happy, i knew i was going to be a mother, i knew i would smell the infamous new baby smell, i knew my heart would be completely full…….and just like that, i am a mother no more. losing my first broke me…..it did something to me. i told my family that night and words of comfort were not found, but i was met with “thank God”…….thank God? im hurting…….im devastated…….there was a heart beat and there isnt anymore……i had a miscarriage you fools, this wasnt by choice, i didnt want this, but the best you can come up with is “thank God”

i chose to have a natural miscarriage, no medication or inducing, but some time had passed so i opted for the meds to induce the loss. this sweet baby that i was picturing in my arms with that sweet new baby smell, my son, would soon be leaving my body. i couldnt help but feel like an absolute failure that i couldnt protect him, that i wasnt nurturing him, that i couldnt keep his hand in mine like i promised i would….but instead i had to let him go, i had to let those thoughts of wonder go, i had to let go what i dreamed up of him…….i was alone every.single.step of the way……..not one person was holding my hand as the medication was working and i was lying there, cramping, breaking out in fevers, in and out of some trippy nightmare, just to get up every few minutes to the bathroom and watch with horror what was happening to me…..what was happening to my son……it was just me, all alone……a promise i made to my unborn son a feeling he would never feel…..alone…….

we officially lost him November 15th

2009 had arrived and i had given birth to my 3rd child, a chubby, perfect, baby girl. i had a perfect baby boy in 2005 and a perfect baby girl in 2007.

i had an older brother, Jonathan, who was 27 at the time. he was different……he was quirky, he was mischievous, he had a certain humor about him. he was special. he didnt know it though. jonny was rough around the edges. he had a drug problem, a drinking problem……a problem with life…..not his though…..a problem that was inflicted on him very young. he was robbed of his childhood to say the least. he grew up too quickly, too fast. i helped when i could, not enough though, nor did anyone else. he was treated like a lost cause, the black sheep, the problem…….he was none of those. he was always kind to the elderly, helped whenever he could, a hard worker,he was ridiculously smart, he was everything a big brother should be, he had a smile so big that his eyes would literally light up along with his smile and his smile was pure truth. he was raw. he was numb. he grew too old for his young age, he had seen too much, he had been subjected to too much. his million dollar smile faded too soon. his light was gone. he was sick. he was succumbed to demons.

my mother arrived at my home on Sunday, November 15th, 2009. i saw her as i looked out the window and her face was so sad. she had been crying i could tell. my grandfather was very ill at the time, so i assumed the expected. but i studied her face a bit more and realized that in fact it wasnt him, it was someone else. it was my brother. she came to my house last, to tell me last……my brother was dead. he died November 15th, the same exact day i officially lost my baby boy a few years prior. my brother was gone. as i was processing this, i quickly handed my mother my 7 month old baby and fell to the floor. my knees completely gave out and a sound of despair loudly left my mouth…..next thing i knew i found myself in the bathroom throwing up…….i was panicking, i lost my breath……..i could only imagine this would be the feeling you get when someone reaches deep in your chest, grabs your beating heart and crumbles it to dust right in front of you, looking in your eyes as you slowly die.

my brother took his own life that day. he couldnt go on, he no longer had the fight, so he thought. he was done. he was tired. he thought very little of himself, not enough to continue on. my heart was broke into a million pieces the day i lost my first child and i was not aware that it could happen again. how many times can one suffer heartache? more than once it would appear. my heart aches everyday, some days it would seem that every minute of my day is consumed with such heart ache and others, just an hour or 2. i pray often to meet my brother in my dreams, to see him, to tell him i miss him, to tell him i thought the world of him, to tell him that he was worth something, more even. i ask the same of my first baby. i bet he is perfect. i bet he is the epitome of “new baby smell”, i bet he has dimples on his knees and thick black hair. i think God is keeping him at the doors of Heaven waiting till i get there, to hold his little hand in mine and to keep him safe for all eternity.

i had a healthy baby boy last year, May 15th……the projected due date of my first baby boy. May 15th……November 15th…..2 days…..heartache and heartfelt.

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “november…….losing a baby…….losing a brother

  1. Ashley, I had no idea about this happening to you. Your post made me so very sad for you. You are such an awesome mom and I’m truly proud of how well your life has turned out. I was truly worried for you when we’d meet during your high school years. Your kids are so lucky to have a mom as strong and caring as you.

  2. Miscarriage is heartbreaking. I always wonder about the ones I lost. Were they baby boys or girls? Would they have had blue eyes or brown eyes? I’m extremely grateful for my living children and thinking of the lost ones makes me more so. But I still mourn them and will always have a special place in my heart for all three. They have their own names and I will always love them.

  3. Ashley, I so feel your pain…this too happened to me, years of wanting a pregnancy, fertility drugs, and 4 miscarriages after 4 in-vitro attempts. Finally a baby girl, one of my own and not of a family members or a friends, but one of my very own! And her smell unique to only a baby! She was born in the month of my fathers passing. when I was 14 my father passed to disease and health issues that turned into a sudden death. I was a lost 14 years old taking on full responsibility of 2 other siblings who also lost their father, yet it only felt as if I was suffering the loss. Would I ever get to share a single moment of joy with my father, a walk down the isle in a wedding giving me away,am new birth of a grand child for him to play grandpa to, a memory lost to the pain of loosing someone way to soon, yes Ashley I feel your pain.

    Suffering loss has opened my eyes to a much bigger love out there, one that can be taken at any moment, and the blessings that come from those sad moments are bigger then one can see or even imagine are there. You brother is comforting your loss, he is a care giver of your loss, and without a doubt I believe he visits often in the quiet whispering softly caring messages of hope.
    Indeed he is love, indeed your loss in a son is loved, and we all will have that second chance at loving our losses again.

    Touching, sharing your deepest emotions, and opening yourself up for comfort.
    I comfort you Ashley in feeling your pain and loss.

    Blessed your family is for having such a deep soulful mother and wife, and daughter that you are.

    Tears, from my heart.

    What was the name you had picked out for your son!
    Doesn’t really require an answer, just know of my interest in your passion to be a mother.

    Xoxo
    Dore

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