5 years ago in november my mother offered to pick me up and head out to buy an outfit….my reply “sure……i suppose” with much hesitation. i didnt want to…..i didnt think i should….i wanted to stay in bed.
it was an outfit for my brothers memorial service.
we took the long way……we went down a tree lined street. one where every.single. tree. was pure perfection. the wood was dark from the soaking of rainfall the night before and the leaves were handcrafted by God himself. the colors were those of an apple orchard…..golden delicious, granny smith, jonagold, red delicious. the veins in the leaves gave such contrast of beauty….they were reaching every which way as if to extend each leaf to its full potential. it was raining too. a soft rain. a still rain. i put my face upon the window to feel the coolness as the rain lightly touched the window. the drops of rain matching my own drops of tears.
everything around me at that very moment was still. my breathing. my heartbeat. my entire world. the rain was quietly falling on the leaves….it was a bit magical….to see tiny drops of rain dancing atop the freshly fallen leaves.
my mom was conversing with me the whole while to which i have no idea what she said. i was nodding in agreement when i thought appropriate and gave the casual replies of “yes” “no” “sure” when i thought they were due. i dont even know what day it was. i dont even remember what day my brothers memorial service was. im good with dates but after november 15th 2009 everything just stopped.
i think of that day often. replaying it my mind over and over again. how placid that moment was. how i know nothing else of that time but that moment. it was a moment where it was just me, even surrounded by others. it was a moment where i caught a mere glimpse of Heaven and what it must be. it was a moment where i understood that no more pain lived in my brothers life. i imagine a young boy on this tree lined street with the colorful leaves and the soft rain and see him dancing as the raindrops did atop the leaves at that moment. no care in the world. just him. just his leaves. just his dancing. his moment.