she+him…….giving up…..pushing forward

a friend told me recently “you may feel differently, but your marriage is a success. you’ve been married for 10+ years……..that is successful”

i have never looked at it like that. ever. we have fought. we have been hurt. from each other, from others. and we can both agree the hurt that happened was majority from him. we have “thrown” out the idea of maybe not continuing the marriage, definitely more me than him. no longer seeing positive attributes. no longer getting those butterflies in the pit of our stomach. he worked much, much harder at impressing others, bending over backwards for them and i received little if any effort. while i sat back, despised what has become. holding every grudge and remembering every. single. thing that i ever felt slighted by, unable to forgive, harboring every emotion that brought no positivity, so much that i became sick. a few times. lack of trust. lack of truth. more hurt. more anger.

someone telling me that our marriage was a success or considered one, i was a bit amused. at first.

i thought about. truly paid attention to it. i still am. i still do. negativity is one of those poor emotions that we allow to affect, alter, influence us more than positivity, alacrity, eagerness.

he has never laid a hand on me. has not ever threatened to. i have always admired the amount of patience that man contains. but other things have been a bit of a plague.

as i sat and pondered that statement, i realized that there were a few naysayers. those who went as far as to encourage a collapse, a demise even. friends. family. those same naysayers existed before the marriage. they tried then and that had no bearings on us. we loved one another truly and wholly.

it is important to both him and i to set examples for our 4 children. to lead with love. to lead without anger. to lead with respect.

separating from the negativity of others. we live in a world where everyone seems to have at least one divorce under their belt. in an environment where one person gets mad and its ground for separation. for divorce. where “hollywood” appears to have so much say in ones’ relationships. my goal has always been to defy the odds. to show our kids that marriages can and do last. but how sad that defying the odds means not getting a divorce. i do not condone however, certain behaviors from individuals that should definitely result in one leaving, i am not against divorce, i just dont think that divorce should be used so immaturely and just because it is there. because thats how we’ve been led by example, get divorced and remarried a couple of times.

marriage is a guaranteed difficult, laborious, demanding, challenging thing. marriage is also admirable, phenomenal, lovely, pleasing. we signed up for “for better or for worse”. we did. not i. not he. WE. we made the decision to accept one another as we were. we made the decision to raise a family. we made a decision to grow old with one another.

we also remember that we make mistakes. we always will. but we learn form them. we must forgive (i need to forgive). each new day  God has blessed us with, should be treated as such. a new day. we need to remind ourselves that marriage is tough and will prove to be so. we also need to relive the good and encourage much more goodness in our lives. we cannot surround ourselves with people who would enjoy nothing more than fail at our marriage, what an abashment. we need to grow stronger as one. we need to support one another. we need to focus on the needs of one another, not those of others, focus on the needs to grow together, to grow in an absolute positive glow. we need to inspire others, our children and each other.

my husband will grab me with dramatic force, only what is seen in the very early black and white movies between 2 passionate lovers…..and whisper to me “…..we will be fine. we will make it….” he whispers it with such certainty and conviction. he kisses my eyelids so gently and softly. he always, i mean always saves the cherry for me from his sundaes. he holds the door open for me, no matter where we go. he calls me while he is at work to tell me he loves me and quickly hangs up, like a young boy and his first crush. he has wiped my tears, numerous times. he faithfully rubbed my feet through every.single.pregnancy. i love the strength of his arms. i love our children that we created together. that we created out of love and nothing could be more pure.

marriage is tough. but it is worth it. realizing, accepting, hope, faith, courage, forgiving and finding those lost butterflies……….

xoxo

Real love is a choice be together for each other...No one else but each other!

 

……….in our own world…………

the children laugh and play. they are inspired by fairy tales. she does laundry and the intoxicating scent of lavender fills the air. music is playing in the background. music encouraging thoughts of past and dancing amongst the little one. watching the babes twirl about. one of the littles dreaming up the idea of picnic-ing underneath the summer stars. another making a pretend menu of all that is gloriously coated in chocolate and sprinkles. the oldest babe writing down these soon to be famed stories that only he can conjure. puppet shows are acted in and a steady applause from mom and dad brightens those genuine smiles even more so. she has a baby on her hip and he lovingly lays his head in the warmest part of her neck. cuddled close to her. she smells his hair and the tranquil scent is completely captivating. outside is wonderfully dreary. gray and cold. misty and still. their house is warmth, as usual. the oven contains that of fresh baking bread, with the aroma of sea salt and rosemary. candles flicker in each room and create the most delicate and alluring backdrop against the slate colored sky. fresh flowers in each room, a promise of whats to come, a promise of a garden that will soon flourish. a garden that will provide nourishment for our bodies and soul. i watch him as he teaches our boys a certain knowledge that only a man can and i am thankful. thankful that my boys have someone who teaches them in ways that cannot be told, but rather what they see. i watch my girls as they gently put their aprons on and frequent the question “mama, can i help?” a superb gratification that affects them when they know they help mama bake the infamous raw cocoa muffins that make us beam. when i watch my older girl contain this compassionate nature towards the little one, knowing that she will be the epitome of a mother. the fire is built in our grand brick fireplace and the essence of burning wood is a bit heaven sent. as mama sits down to nurse the little one, all nestled and cozy, it is in these moments that life is awe-inspiring. life is worth it. to be surrounded by tenderness and affection is quite simply lovely.

xoxo

w o n d e r

i have dreams and hopes for the new year. not resolutions. i want to create a space that brings a bit of euphoria to myself and those around me. i have hopes of peace and unity, hopes of delight and exhilaration, hopes of passion and emotion.

i have dreams of enchantment…….of mystery……..of counting stars and wishing upon them in the summer sky. i have dreams of a renewal much like nature anticipates the return of spring and budding blossoms. i have dreams of a garden that has been nourished from the new rain. to have a garden so full of spiced aroma but with sweetness of honeysuckle.

i have a yearning to create more in the new year. whether it be a warm fig compote, late summer heirloom tarts………or putting together an arrangement of peonies and columbines……..finding the perfect antique piece that will grow with tradition and my babes.

the new year will bring more story telling……perhaps of the midnight fairies gently painting the petals to create the crisp fern and celadon  color they receive. or the reconciliation of the long feud between the fire breathing dragons and the archaic knights.

i have hopes that the new year brings elation for my children. i hope they learn and conquer new lessons. i hope they continue to grow in who God wants them to be. i hope to continue to be the tool that God has chosen to mold and nurture my babes. i want their personalities, their very lovely traits, to grow into something beautiful. i want them to retain courage and aspiration, to retain imaginations not to be limited, to retain confidence and tranquility.

this is what i hope and dream for in the new year………..

Garden House

http://laurenconrad.com/blog/2014/02/5-things-to-try-this-month/

saturday love

http://sweetlovelyxo.tumblr.com/post/83898057246/b-w

SATURDAY LOVE

w o n d e r

http://courtmoly.tumblr.com/image/82394192934

wonder

Caramel-Dulce De Leche Marshmallows **made by yours truly shehimthem.wordpress.com http://wp.me/4BQbG

h e a r t

MAMA

http://growingwildly.tumblr.com/post/63870541173

7 Inspiring Quotes for Celebrating the New Year....the 2nd one is my favorite, but they are all good

Pinterest

 

each photo is quite allegorical to me, something to anticipate in the new year…..dreams, hope, love, growth, renewal, mystery, enchantment……..

with each new year brings a new chapter to your story. my story. our story. my new year will have a new voice………

……wishes……wonder……

im most eager and delighted for this weekend…..just like the year before and the year before that. Christmas of course is quite magical, but the days leading up to it even more so. the anticipation. the hope. the magic. these are the feelings that flourish within this home of ours.  its these feelings that we make wishes upon. that we grasp in our very hands and hold tight. tight enough to flow within our very being and hold in our hearts until next year.

winter fire

Pinterest

we will build a fire this weekend. creating a warmth. creating a cozy surrounding. listening to the wood crackle to its very own symphony. seeing the sparkle of the fire reflect back in my childrens eyes in a world of amazement.

Beignets Tiramisu with chocolate Ganache | halfbakedharvest.com

http://www.halfbakedharvest.com/beignets-tiramisu-chocolate-ganache/

as the fire gently fills each room with glow and compassion, so will the scent of French market beignets. i will home make these air pocket filled French doughnuts. warm, generously sifted with the snowy powdered sugar and served with raw dark chocolate sauce and fleur de sel caramel sauce. my husband will run to our cafe and grab us our favorite coffees and iced chocolate milk for the kids.

noel

http://soyouwanttobeaninteriordesigner.com/2014/12/welcome-december/

noel

Pinterest

wonder

http://crossingislandnatur.tumblr.com/post/79188982997/a-gentle-voice-called-out-from-inside-by-cilest

wonder

http://northwest-home.tumblr.com/post/65744540083

 

as our bodies warm and our bellies consume fullness, we talk. we tell stories to one another. stories of wonder, of dream. we dream up these grand ideas of moving to the forest. the snowy forest. where all you can see is the smoke dancing in the air above our chimney. a cottage surrounded by nature. nature that is raw and has been untouched. where we talk to reindeers and keep deer as our treasured jewels. where the pines grow and have an aura of peace and tranquility. where the forest floor is covered in the delicate dusting of snow, much like our beignets are covered in powdered sugar. we dream of ways to make these magical moments a truth. as our babes listen to such fairy tales, their very selves glimmer with wonder and awe.

10 best winter travel spots /

http://www.elle.com/life-love/travel/10-best-winter-travel-spots-610025#slide-1

decepticun:  Sequoia Trees California | Ramelli Serge http://atlandsend.tumblr.com/page/4

Beautiful colors (and subject!) #woods #snow #deer

http://umla.tumblr.com/post/40921557316

 

such talk has encouraged us to a winters walk through the woods, through the captivating forest where nature has naturally guided us through. where the crunch of pine and twigs fall underfoot. where our friends……the fawn, the wild rabbit, the winter fox and the snowy owl are delighted to be.

this is the magic of our weekend, to exchange our dreams and thoughts and to unite them into such an imagination. to encourage our babes to keep dreaming. to dream of these tales that their intelligent little minds have created.

we will continue our weekend in such splendor. we will laugh. we will love. we will imagine. we will anticipate. we will be thoughtful. we will make peace. we will share memories and make new ones.

we will be thankful. thankful to have days such as these. thankful to have dreams as big as heaven. thankful to God. thankful for Jesus.

noel

Pinterest

 

merry Christmas. merry Winter.

my week in pictures…..

my photos dont have filter, could be improved, would like to have a better camera. but these are my photos. something i would love to reflect back on in a year to see how much people have grown, to see where we are in a year and to see exactly what we are doing in a year. and maybe in a year, my photos and camera will improve.

weekofdec

my guy. my 9 1/2 year old love.

weekofdec (7)

my “little mom” my independent little woman. my almost 8 year old.

weekofdec (6)

my other little woman. my 5 year old. my girl who lives in a world of sunshine and butterflies.

weekofdec (2)

my 18 month old. silly boy. mr. personality. stubborn. cute as a button. and “auntie virj” one of my bestest. great woman. great “aunt” to my babes.

weekofdec (3)

decorated gingerbread

weekofdec (4)

more gingerbread

dont think we were going for looks on these ha!

weekofdec (5)

and my very favorite flower. a flower that can bring an insane amount of happiness to my life. the scent intoxicating. the beauty simple yet intricate. peonies.

my first born

i’ve got this guy……he’s pretty important stuff. he has hair as dark as a winters night, his eyes as equally dark…..not a darkness in them, but very kind eyes…..long lashes…..his eyebrows are pure perfection and his smile, well, his smile is warmth and truth. his skintone olive complected, his stature tall, lengthy and his whole being is full of strength. he does handstands…..daily……he has mastered this art and it really is a thing of beauty. he draws and writes amazing stories…….he is an artist fully and completely.

i look at him in awe. he’s mine. he taught me how to love. he taught me importance. he taught me good nature. he teaches me everyday…..goodwill, patience, generosity, humility…..all of these things and he hasnt the slightest idea he does.

my guy is 9……..9 1/2 to be exact. my oldest of 4. he uses manners that are hard to come by these days and it would be a lie if i said i couldnt help but feel proud at the constant applause from those that notice……the elderly who assumed manners are a lost art.

he has energy that one could certainly feel envious of. he is reserved and shy but will talk all day if allowed and fill your mind with knowledge, fill it so full of amazing things, mostly scientific. he is so incredibly smart.

his heart is absolute gold. he is incredibly lovely. a young boy who will become a magnificent young man. and he prays. not just says prayers, but he prays, he has talks with God and says for all to hear, he prays over his food at lunch at school and couldnt care less who hears.

my guy was diagnosed with adhd and dyslexia when he was 7. you think of adhd, you think of someone who simply cannot sit still, someone who is quite mischievous, someone who gets into trouble. not my guy. he was diagnosed on the lowest spectrum of it all. his dyslexia was more of an issue than his adhd.

to be honest…..it was a label i didnt want. i didnt want people to think negatively of my guy and i found myself praising every amazing attribute he displays, that he has within himself, in my own way i was begging people not to judge him. not to judge him for not reading in front of others because he was so damn shy, embarrassed for getting simple words wrong, embarrassed for only spelling his name right if he wrote it backwards.

it caused some complication in school and it didnt help that every teacher and his doctor continuously mentioned the use of medication. i was proud of myself because medication was not the route i wanted to take and i stood by my beliefs…..until a point was made that maybe, just maybe i wasnt making the best decision as a mother, i wasnt allowing him to reach his full potential without the use of meds. i felt crummy, i succumbed to those feelings and thought “oh my God……..i have unintentionally made him suffer because i wont put him on meds. who cares if drug use is an astounding much higher rate when he becomes a teenager. who cares that he may turn to theft, drinking, etc.” i mean, the drug they give these kids is speed……..it is literally speed……to a 9 year old.

people that once stood by my decision to not give him meds were now people telling me it was a chance for him, a chance to write correctly, a chance to not mistake b’s and d’s or m’s and w’s or to write his name…….not backwards.

so i did. we started him on meds.

the. worst. 2. weeks. of. my. life. i cried…….every night. i cried because he explained to me how much he did not like himself. he didnt care if he died. he was dumb. he was stupid. anything and everything he did, was done incorrectly. he didnt like the way he felt.

i told his doctor. she told me to pull him off the meds immediately. i told her i already had. she said it was not uncommon to have characteristics that were not the norm of that person. ridiculous.

i have an insane amount of guilt. insane. my whole initial thought on not giving him meds was because i didnt want him to think i wanted him to be like everyone else, to not be himself. i failed. i failed as a mother when he came to me crying and all i could do was hold him as i was secretly trying to convince myself that we were doing the right thing……we werent……..obviously.

he is who is he. he is a gift. a rare gift. something that God prepared for me and only me. there is absolutely no one in the world exactly like him. he is his own person. i never should have listened to those filling my head with thoughts that i was making a poor choice as a mother. i know best. he is my son, my baby and always will be.

i suppose there is a bit of humor that when it is mentioned about him with adhd to other doctors or parents with children that have more stern patterns of adhd, they all tell me the same “if your son has adhd, then we all do because i dont see it” . but so what if he does. i dont want him to change. i would never want to lose the kindness to his eyes, the quirkiness in his humor, his thoughtful nature, his sincerity, his honesty, his truth, his trustworthiness, and his love for us is ridiculously amazing.

do not second guess yourself as a mother. we normally know whats best for our children. and that means not changing who they are…..not changing who they are because of what society says, what others deem as “normal”

i did not breathe my entire life. not until my guy entered this world. he is my perfection. when i pick him up from school, i smile, i smile because he is mine, he is my son. he is a young man who is turning into something wonderful each day. he is setting an example to the younger 3…….to be loving, to be kind, to be patient, to care, to have a heart of gold, to love. i could simply not ask for anything more. no medication could possibly make him something more, he is something more……..all on his own. thank you God, thank you for this rare gift.

gouttes de pluie……….raindrops

“gouttes de pluie” = raindrops. rain. i have needed it so bad, almost as bad as our very dry land. my soul needed it. i too have been feeling quite parched, dried out even. but with the rain was brought something magical. i listened to it dance on the rooftop. it is a music that cannot be copied. i was alone in the house, my husband taking all of the kids out so i can nurse this migraine that has given me such a blow. it was peaceful. i had a candle lit, allowing a redolence in the air, a trace of mistletoe and kissed juniper with a slight hint of musk.

i was alone with my thoughts. i meditated for as long as i could stand it. i prayed. i talked with God. i was thankful. i was content. the rain was pouring, it was pouring as if the Heavens opened up the dove gray clouds and poured a vase of water onto us.

i just sat and listened at this point. i was completely marveled at the beauty of nature and i wanted to soak that feeling in. i wanted to feel it from my toes to my suffering migraine. gray skies have always brought a pleasantness to my life. rain……even more so.

it brings a sign of whats to come. shedding leaves, bare branches, plants with no flowering, will soon be green again. will soon flower again. this rain nurtures us just as much as it does our land. we need it.

rainy days bring a bit of whimsy and romance. a lit fire. hands……..one pair…. soft, pale, rounded cuticles with chipped nail polish…….the other pair……rougher, larger knuckles, scarring, …..both entwined with one another. expressing a love story that our hands alone could tell.

my babes so giddy at the sound of rain hitting their windows and exclaiming just how well they were going to sleep because the “beauty rain” (as they lovingly call it) is so peaceful. its like nature reading them a bedtime story.

thank you rain. thank you for nourishing us.

AW15 trend ideas

pingraphy.com

…….themed Christmas……

i have adored the woodland theme for quite some time and chose to use this as a guide in my Christmas theme. i never do some outrageous colors or soft pastels, nothing over the top. it is always an au naturel palette around here, usually all white, with as much natural finds i can allow, sprigs of rosemary and juniper here and spruce and pine there, nothing too sparkly, nothing glitter-y.

i love getting ready for Christmas. i love little hands helping. i love the magic of it all.

i love these photos and all that they radiate

 

northerine pine wall tapestry / anthropologie

anthropologie

i would totally leave this tapestry up all winter

noel

http://www.refinery29.com/still-house?crlt.pid=camp.4e6oUZDlGLEH#slide-1

i have some of these ornaments and i love them. not just for looks, but i have a set of curious little hands and i have no worry of them shattering, etc.

noel 2014

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/shopgifts-trim-all/25618844.jsp#/

these are pretty awesome……..

noel 2014

http://www.westelm.com/

christmas

http://vintage-house.blogspot.com/2012/10/sondagsbilden-v40-jultankar.html

Magical Winter Wonderland Decorative Glass Dome with Christmas Trees

http://www.nova68.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=nova68&Product_Code=winterwonderland

Winter wreath by Babes in Boyland

http://babesinboyland.se/diy-vinterkransar/

i seriously dig this wreath…….

noel

pinterest

love this simple setting…….

Fresh greenery for a table runner makes for sweet simplicity. White plates and antique silverware paired against worn wooden tables create a romantic table setting. Photo by Scott Michael Photography. Via @100 Layer Cake

http://www.100layercake.com/blog/2013/03/27/spring-garden-wedding-ideas/

this table setting is perfect…..made for a wedding, but how easy to transition this to a holiday setting. rustic, raw and pure…….

H&M christmas decor

http://www.hm.com/us/product/17622?article=17622-B

h&m and i have such a lovely relationship ;) thats all i shall say….

 

……giving of thanks…..

i thought a lot about tradition and how very much i would love for my family to have some sort of tradition each holiday…….i couldnt think of one, i certainly did not want to force one…….

it hit me…….i think of tradition as being these quirky little things and ideas that “normal” families have…..perhaps writing one thing down each thanksgiving on what we’re thankful for and sharing with one another, maybe gifting a small something to each person, etc.

but, with each holiday that requires an insane amount of cooking, you will find me in the kitchen, probably using profanity under my breath because i have burnt my hand or dropped the entire carton of eggs and broke every.single.one and who wants to go to the store with 4 kids the day before thanksgiving……for eggs?

how about the same people, showing up late for every.single.holiday. i can always count on that.

i can also always count on my oldest praying over our meal and it makes me so proud, nothing rehearsed, nothing forced, au naturel.

i think about all of these things and think that these very things are the start to our traditions. and it is all very much fine with me. its real. its us. and the start of our traditions are focused on us, on my little family.

tomorrow we will enjoy a buttermilk cornbread, infused with thyme and lavender, complete with sage sausage to make a delicate stuffing. accompanied with honeyed butter rolls, served warm with honey infused butter. the infamous bird, the turkey. buttered and spiced with lavender, thyme, marjoram, cloves and peppercorn, with the crispest of skin and juiciest of meat. as our meal lingers, so will our sweets. we shall have double layered spiced pumpkin and mascarpone  cheesecake, spiced with saigon cinnamon, cloves and sweet nutmeg, topped with fresh whipped cream. also a bourbon and dark cocoa bundt will be presented, made with crystallized coffee, tennessee whiskey and raw sugars, topped with a bourbon caramel glaze and sea salt. im currently getting talked into making some capped mushrooms, fried in butter and garlic with a touch of rosemary……probably will……..

i am so thankful for so many things, but what i treasure most in this world are my babes. God blessed me tremendously with these little lovers of mine and i could never imagine a single day without them.

happy thanksgiving……..xoxo